Grumpy Tara - the "vegetarian" crabby patty

Not sure what my problem is this evening but I feel awful. I am grumpy and irritable and quite frankly I feel like I suck and everyone hates me. Crappy crap shit fuck. I am grumpy. It is really stupid but I keep losing instagram followers and that upsets me because I am trying to share my love of yoga with the world and nobody gives a shit! Or maybe they don't want to follow me because I suck.. or I'm ugly or I am fat or I don't know but its a horrible feeling. I have all of the good mantras floating around in my being and I just cannot find balance in my head right now. I feel very alone in my journey... and I feel like I should have a flock of little yoga followers by now, and I don't. I know that none of this matters but these thoughts, they cross my mind that it drives me CRAZIER to know that I have these thoughts than the thought of the actual thought. Now how does that make any sense at all? My yoga practice has been lacking lately... not lacking in that I haven't been practicing, because I have been... everyday all day but I haven't had any crazy breakthroughs, anything impressive, nothing, nada, in a few weeks. I am not impressing myself at all... I wonder if Jesus had these thoughts when he was preaching gospels all over... "no one likes me, I haven't made a difference..." or do you think that he just knew, one day, he would make a difference? I mean, yeah he probably did, he was fricking Jesus. Obviously I know these thoughts are not very "yogi" of me, and if Patanjali knew that I had just finished reading the yoga sutras and here I am bloggin about my selfish want for instagram followers he would surely be disappointed, as am I, disappointed. One thing that I did accomplish was that I finished two of the three assigned readings for my yoga teacher tranining... Jivamukti and Yoga Sutras and now I am reading the Key Muscles of Yoga and I have a few books on deck as well that were suggested readings in the first two books I read... So, I guess that is something I should focus on. I put in 60 hours last week and with the money that I made I decided that I am finally going to get my creativity going on the etsy store... as I have said for the last decade. So, "The Taradactyl's Nest" is nearly open for business... Business cards are being made, beads have been ordered... definitely going to get started on some things this weekend. Yoga headbands, fabric flowers, jars, jewelry holders... I guess this isn't really yoga related, but it is life related and yoga is life... I like working here, but when I do get my certification it is going to be hard to even teach a class with these hours... I will never have the same day off every week, unless I can work something out with my boss. I don't even really want to think about that yet.. It will be at least July before I get certified and I doubt I will feel ready to teach by then... I can't even handstand! *sigh* I know I am doing the right thing, I know this is the path for me but I need a nap, I am tired and I am... a (vegetarian) crabby patty.

Art of Chandrasana

Lately in class we've been practicing ardha chandrasana a lot.. It looks so simple... but boy is it hard. As soon as you think you have your balance, there it goes. Also, it seems easier to do this pose in an empty room alone... I can do it, right now, no block not even a wobble but get me into the studio and I look like a fish out of water. Why is that? I haven't the slightest clue. If a tree falls in the forest...

Taradactyl in Paradise

So this was supposed to be a post of my bird of paradise pose however, it isn't uploading! I can't wait to go to class tomorrow... I just want to be in a room full of people with the same goal as mine... Its so comforting and I can feel their energy. Yesterday I practiced my pincha myurasana, also a bit today here at work, and definitely felt a difference using the tips that Lynn and Ashlee had given me which is fantastic. I also did some triangle and bounnd triangle for standupyogis challenge... Which led to the bird of paradise today... https://www.facebook.com/tarathetarabull?ref=tn_tnmn#!/photo.php?fbid=10100664148857427&set=a.10100131797803207.2274657.26601551&type=1&theater So there's a link since I can't upload the picture. Hmmf. Anyway, I got deeper into Jivamukti and also the Yoga Sutras. One inparticular stands out to me... "By cultivating attitudes of friendliness towards the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness." This is exactly what I needed to hear... THe "disregard towards the wicked!" Instead of trying to change the wicked or suggest the wicked be a certain way, just disregard them. Why didn't I think of that in the first place. The wicked choose to be wicked and only they can make the choice to be otherwise... Suggesting they not be so wicked simply makes them more wicked. I like how Patanjali keeps referring to science and atoms and things of that nature... because I have always been drawn to science... especially nature and breaking things down to their simplest forms things like that. Yoga is a science and I see that more and more especially while reading Jivamukti last night... There is a part on cleanliness and how an unhealthy body can't meditate and describes all these detoxification practices some of which I don't believe I will be doing (enemas) but some of which if I do not due, my body becomes unhealthy or my outward appearance clouds my mind because I am not being the best I can be... simple cleansing, washing, teeth brushing. Also, the neti pot! No shit, neti pot in my yoga books... Nasal cleansing. Really, cleansing and detox and hydration are really very important things... its frickin science. Tyler read one of my Thich Nyat Hahn books... and I can tell he actually paid attention to it. I said something earlier and he said "I understand why you feel that way" which made me feel like maybe there's hope we will hop on this enlightenment train with me... Its a journey!

Follow your dream...

http://www.pachamama.com/pacha-mama-experience.asp So, a dream of mine for quite some time now has been to teach Yoga on the beach in Costa Rica. Ever since I went there I have had this burning desire to go back. The way of life there, the culture, Pura Vida, its just the most amazing place I have ever visited and I long to go back. I found this "hippie commune" a few years ago and have wanted to go so badly I constantly am looking at this website and its golrious pictures. I wish I had the means to go for a month or 6 months and maybe one day I will but I think it will be a hard sell for Tyler... They have retreats however, where you can go for a few days which would be such a wonderful experience. Its so easy to feel close to the earth there... There are so many things that are simply "untouched." To be able to meditate and practice yoga in Costa Rica is a dream that I am chasing! Hopefully after I get my certification I will be able to pay off some debts, earn some money, save some money, get deeper into my practice, perhaps attend some other retreats closer to home and this dream can become a reality. It seems all my dreams and hopes have always settled in the heart of yoga and meditation... Although I wasn't outwardly realizing it... I have come to see it to be true. It fills my heart with joy and understanding of my personal "human condition" on the search for peace and enlightenment. I am struggling however trying to get Tyler to realize these things... I read books about peace and meditation.. he reads Steven King. I do Yoga, he races go-karts. I meditate, he plays video games. I order vegan, he orders steak. And now I have this burning desire for him to follow in my footsteps which would require a huge change in himself, which I know he is not willing to do... Maybe perhaps it will be a gradual process, maybe it will never happen, I do not know but I know in order for things to work between us forever, something is going to have to change. I never wanted to be the kind of woman who wanted to change a man, but when I changed myself it has been such an eye opening experience I only hope he follows. I want him to be happy, but I want him to be happy in the same ways I have fount happiness and that is selfish... but it is selfless at the same time. I want him to be happy for what he has on the inside, not outward material objects... he outwardly enjoys violence and the adredeline rush of speed and to be honest, I find it sad because that is how the world thinks. I begged him to read some of my meditation books with no avail. He prefers books about violent subjects.. Fight Club and what not... where as I do not prefer to read fiction at all and I never have. I like real life... I like knowledge not fantasy. I do not mean to complain because he has been very supportive of my journey in a way I can't describe however I find it annoying when he stares at me while I'm practicing like I am putting on some sort of show for him which is not the case. I find it to be a hinderence and he doesn't understand that. I have been searching for guidance with this dilemma... and have found nothing. What do you do when the one you love is immersed in the "popular culture" while you are one of the few finding beauty under stones? I still have hope... and that's all I can cling to at the moment...

Morning Breath Yoga

Lynn is just a riot. I fell out of a pose because she had me giggling. lol Its my day off and I woke up at 6 am to head to morning breath yoga at 7:15. I really enjoy chit chatting with her she's so goofy I love it. I want her to mold me into the amazing calm person that she is… My planks are improving which I am very grateful for… I'm not longer shaking as much and have more balance and strength in my arms… I am still so weak but I am getting stronger! Pincha myurasana the dreaded forearm stand is becoming easier as well. With Ashlee's class yesterday and Lynn's advice today I might be off the wall soon! Its about 50 degrees and rainy and I wasn't incredibly stiff today… I was stiff, but not INCREDIBLY painfully stiff. So I am also grateful for that… I am making progress everyday that is for sure. So, it is Friday and I can't go to class again until Monday and I'm sad about that… so I'll really have to make sure to dedicate some time to my personal practice after work. Namaste. :-)

Its a journey

http://instagram.com/yogaistarafic Check out my instragram for yoga challenge and daily life pictures! :-) Today I went to Bend for a lunchtime yoga class with Ashlee. I really enjoyed her class… we focused on our arms/shoulders which is really what I need to work on! Actually, I need to work on everything… but right now I have been noticing a lack of strength in my arms and how it has actually been affecting my life and work. I'm a small person but that doesn't mean I need to be weak! I think of that Shakespeare quote "although she be but tiny, she is fierce." and I am becoming that person. I have overcome so many things in my life that overcoming these little nuances with my body is actually becoming an enjoyable experience. My arms are weak, my legs are inflexible, my back is weak, my neck is weak, my core is weak, I am weak but I am trying and I am practicing and I am doing my best. I will get better… my mind and my body. I find myself very tired today however… although I have been dealing with my illnesses very well, I still have symptoms that I can't control sometimes. I hope that the more I persist with my meditation and asana practice my symptoms will continue to subside. I also have given up MANY horrible things that might have been contributing to my tiredness, migraines, joint pain, anxiety, depression and heart palpitations… In the last 6 months I have completely given up… (in no particular order) All prescription medications, including pain killers, sleeping pills, anxiety medication… the only thing I take for pain is Excedrin and the only other medication I take is Nasocort for my horrendous allergies! Red Bull! This was a huge one for me… I was up to 2 or 3 a day when I was working at Q.C. Laboratories doing field work driving all around the state.. SODA! (aka POP as the yinzers say) This is also a big deal… what a terrible thing soda is. Empty calories, not hydrating, loading with sugar. Plus, when considering the environmental impact alone, imagine if everyone drank water instead of soda??? Less cans / bottles / cups, chemicals, things being transported, manufacturing! Think about it!!! Meat! This is the newest of the list of things I have rid myself of… environmentally and ethically speaking this is a decision I have made before. I was a vegetarian for 5 years, being a vegan for a portion of that. This decision was influenced by the Jivamukti Yoga book I have nearly completed. CIGARETTES!!!! How have I not done this before? What a nasty habit… I don't even have anything to say about this… I feel silly for ever starting and am SO GLAD I have quit!!! I am slowly but surely becoming the person I want to be. It is a journey!

Catching up...

So, I went to a class on Monday morning with Janna... who I follow on instagram and is just the bee's knees. Class was great but I always think back on a class like "I know I could've done that better" or "how did I forget to do that" "she said take the vinyasa and I went straight to down dog because my arms were tired but I know I could've done it anyway..." So in all honesty, it is wednesday and I am still rehashing this class over and over again in my mind... Specifically when we were in a wide legged utanasa, she said we could go into tripod headstand, which is just the best feeling ever for me, I feel so balanced on my head like that... and I got stuck in "tripod, tripod" like headstand knees on my elbows for some reason... It was a really good class though... I keep thinking back to my days as a dancer though and getting my postures confused... like "bridge" in yoga isn't the same as "bridge" in dance. Also, "tripod" isn't the same... a few other things as well. So, I get confused, but all in all I think my dance background is helpful with this whole journey. More so the warmups and stretches than the actual dance, and more so the physical aspect than the mental aspect because dance is all about comparing you to the best person in the class and has nothing to do with your personal best, your body type, your physical limitations... its all about perfection. Yoga isn't about that, its the journey through the body into the mind and back again. "Body not inflexible. Mind inflexible." - I love this quote. I think I saw it on Keno Macgregor's facebook fan page which is always loaded with great advice. I usually denounce facebook and all technology but in this way it has been so helpful to be able to reach out to this guru's, master's of their art, via the internet. Its like I have the whole yoga community at my fingertips. I have been getting a lot of feedback on my instagram from people I have inspired... One, today, Gabby Morrison, who has a chronic illness... Lupus / Fibro I am not exactly sure but she said her pain is so great that she can no longer practice yoga. I took the time to write her a pretty lengthy response about my illnesses and how no matter how bad I feel I do as much as I can at the time... "5 minutes is better than no minutes!" And how I have made great progress in the last 6 months alone and I am more impressed with the mental than the physical which is absolutely true. I think back to where I was a few years ago, in and out of psych wards, downing bottles of pills to kill the pain and here I am to day standing taller and stronger than ever. I am still in touch with the suffering of the world, which is what inevitably caused me such emotional pain, but I can now look at it and think differently. I used to think "who would want to live in this world with such pain and suffering" now I think "I must live in this world of pain and suffering and try to spread joy and happiness to others, because if I do not, who will?" I have always been one of "the few" and I will always be one of the few, I just hope that now with the spiritual guidance of my teachers and my friends that I will not feel so alone in my journey and I do not, not anymore. This teacher training is an absolute blessing, the opportunity to be surrounded by so many amazing women with the same goals is so comforting... I am so blessed. Everyday. Namaste.

I am.

Today I decided to completely immerse myself in my training and give up alcohol and meat, which I haven't had in about 3 days... So I guess I already have a head start! I am about halfway through Jivamukti Yoga which I am grateful I have read so much in such a short time. I have 2 more books enroute and ordered 3 more today... I practiced my sun salutations while at work again and I find them very grounding... I began to feel a bit stressed because this is the first night I am on my own and I have had to make some pretty big decisions. I am embracing this and hoping that my diligence and attentiveness in my training here at work will pay off. I am learning so many things at the moment, from work and yoga and spirituality... they are all blurring together in this mash of "new" that is both beautiful and over powering... While standing in the lab I was able to get my foot to touch my head in natarajasana... Without really trying, just remembering that there is more to me than my body and mind... something compelled my to dive a little deeper... I am really looking forward to class this morning with Lynn. I feel everyday I have spent doing yoga I have had some sort of breaktrough, an awakening. Everyday. I found myself complaining about a coworker to a coworker today and immediately realized my negativitiy and apologized. I do not want to be a negative person, I want to rise above and transcend and, well... I am, I will and I will continue to. I am working on just "being" as for my anxiety about driving into the city, that I am going to deal with tomorrow. I am not sure what it is, why I can't overcome this... But, I will. I must. I can and will. I am. As for my "new" vegetarianism.... I am blessed to be able to make this choice. As a child we do not have this opportunity... In a situation where we don't control our own food sources, we do not have this choice. I am lucky to have the freedom to choose and I am, again, choosing non-violence. I have made this decision before and I find this is the easiest decision I have made in a long time. I have always had this feelings of compassion towards animals, but it is easy to let these emotions become hindered by this society in which we live. It is easy to become desensitived, to become one of the many. I know now and that I always have been, one of the few. I am odd, I am compassionate, I feel the suffering of many and this is the decision I am again making to stand up for those who cannot speak... Those who do not have the choice... Humans are controlling, manipulative as much to animals as they are to other humans and unfortunately I have fallen victim many times. However, I have the opportunity to get back up again, as I have over and over again stronger and more enlightened. I am making choices, because they benefit the world as a whole... because I want to spread light and joy. I am the few, I am the mind, I am the body, I am the self. Namaste.

Working hard on yoga things, at work...

So I began reading Javamukti Yoga today and I am very pleased with what I am learning... There is a lot of information, a lot of words I have never heard but values I have always tried to instill upon myself and others. Every thought I have had about the world and the people in it has apparently been in the hindu religion and yoga practice since the beginning of time... It speaks of the holy trinity in a way I understand, a way that makes christianity itself still seem a little strange, however I always believed in the values of christianity just not the execution of it... This book says we must offer our practice up to god, which I believe in... I believe strongly in the power of prayer but never could explain why due to my vast inability to explain the process of prayer through christianity however now reading this text filled with ancient content from Hindu Sutras written and translated millions of times before the birth of christ things are started to make sense... I have a long way to go towards attaining even the slightest sense of enlightenment but I do believe I reach closer and closer every day. I am wondering if I would have turned a cold shoulder to these ideas if presented them at a younger age or if I would have embraced the practice and submitted myself fully to the practice of yoga. I am blessed and filled with gratitude I am discovering these teachings now however... I am still very young, I still have plenty to learn and I believe I also have plenty to teach. I may be a bit behind with some of the advanced yoga poses due to the illnesses that have plagued me and my lack of vigilent practice over the years however I have always had a thirst for peace, compassion and understanding. I also believe the struggles I have overcome play a large role in my ability to become more at peace with the world through the practice of yoga. "May all beings, everywhere, be happy and free. And may the thoughts and actions of my own life contribute, in some way, to that happiness, and to that freedom for all." My mother will tell you, from day one I have always wanted to spread peace and joy to the world... I have diverted from the path many times as people aren't always receptive of that, but with each let down and each and every blow I have come out stronger and more at peace and more willing to try to spread joy and peace. I hope that I have found a platform, a vehicle now where I can successfully do so with little argument. I love everything... I truly do, what hurts and what makes the world difficult to understand is the lack of love within others... I hope to more fully understand that inner turmoil... -Namaste.

Yoga bloggin

So, I practiced my sun salutions here at work, and I can honestly say I am happy for technology. It really helps to be able to watch a video of yourself afterwards to see what you are doing wrong. Without a mirror I tend to not relax my shoulders, and I also tend to not straighten my back... which looks ugly, first of all and second of all, its clearly horrible posture. If I am going to be a teacher, I need to look beautiful in all my poses so my students can mimic me. I am finding it very easy to be critical of myself... which I know is a good thing that I can recogize my flaws however, I wonder how much abuse I can take from myself. I know I have a long way to progress before I will be comfortable teaching but I am hoping I did not bite off more than I can chew!!!! I believe whole heartedly I can do this however I am searching for approval from a mentor and I have not yet received that verification... That said, here are some pictures. :-)

Yoga Journal! Tada (sana)!

This yoga-teacher-in-training often has trouble writing due to the arthritis so I figured I would start an online journal which will also help me share my journey with the world, 2 birds, one stone. Boooya. I actually really disappointed myself today. I had planned on waking up and driving to Bend for a class at noon however, at 10am when I emerged from the batcave, it was raining. So my anxiety about driving into the city increased 2 fold- there are going to be more people driving, less people walking, the roads will be wet, visibility will suck... So, I ended up going back to sleep. In order to make up for my lack of yoga this afternoon I plan on doing some Yogadownload.com vinyasa while here at work. I've come to realize a few things in the last few days... 1. Yoga studios do not cater to people who work night shift and 2. The Instagram yoga challenges have really guided my practice since I have discovered them.... which makes it easier to do yoga alone when, due to issue #1 I am often practicing by myself. In a way I think its a good thing I do practice so much alone because in essence while teaching, I will be practicing, alone. However, there will be a bunch of other people watching me, looking to my for guidance... which subsequently I have learned to do, by myself. The world is full of irony... its takes sadness to enjoy happiness, darkness to enjoy the light, and lots of learning to be able to teach. I hope to be able to hope in on the early morning class tomorrow, after work however I'm not sure how attentive I will be after 12 hours in the chemistry lab. Although, I do a great deal of stretching while I'm here running tests so perhaps I'll be on point. Guess we will have to see!!! I did 2 20 min surya namaskar sets yesterday while I was here, no savasana though, because I do enough sitting here with a clear mind throughout the evening as it is... I should be able to upload some pictures on here as I go through my asana's and what not to further cement these things into my head... perhaps a tutorial or two which will be great for me, and hopefully for others as well! I apologize for the choppiness and scatter brained first yogaistarafic blog post!!! I can't wait to get my books in the mail, I can't wait to make it to class again with Lynn, I can't wait for the last weekend in April, I can't wait for the holi festival of colors... and honestly am pretty excited to head into the back office to do Surya Namaskar A and B from memory whilst reciting my little dialogs in my head, also excited to do day 2 of my yoga challenges... Standupyogis, yogisinbloom and yogatothecore! Namaste!